The Sh*t L*st

The future of genomics:

Your triplets will look like Pomeranians for the first year (and just think how cute they'll be hanging out of your black leather purse!), cherubs for the next two, Shirley Temple until they hit puberty, and Olson twins after that. And they'll be able to eat all the high-carb crap they want.

By the age of 33 or 34, having triplicated themselves, they'll be put mercifully to sleep.

Apparently, the years of reckless loans and mad speculation that have left the whole country on the brink of financial ruin and covered in concrete aren't enough. Japanese banks won't even accept your loose change. (Or have they simply learned their lesson?) A friend's tale:

More Joys of the Japanese Banking System

An excerpt:

Teller: How much do you wish to deposit?
Me: I have no idea. Can you count it please?
T: We can only deposit a known amount, otherwise you can claim to have been ripped off by the bank.
M: How can I claim to have been ripped off if I admit I have no idea how much money this is?
T: ...
M: OK, how about I write '2000 yen', then you count it and it's actually 5000 yen, so then I'll rewrite the -
T: If you write 2000 yen, we will count 2000 yen, deposit 2000 yen, and return the rest.
M: How about I write 10,000 yen, then you count it and it's actually 5000 ye-
T: If it does not total the amount you wrote, we cannot accept the deposit.
M: How about you just count it for me?
T: We do not provide money counting as a service.
M: How about you charge me 1% for such a service?
T: We do not provide money counting as a service. Japanese banks may choose to provide such a service...but Citibank does not.
M: Citibank is not a Japanese bank?
T: ...
M: You have been, as expected, most unhelpful.
T: Thank you for choosing Citibank.

Stop the presses! Just saw this on the LA Times' home page:

Governor Backs Off Controversial Pet Plan

The hectoring barks of thousands of animal lovers convinced Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger today to reverse himself and keep California's law protecting stray dogs and cats at shelters.

Schwarzenegger's about-face came after opponents flooded the governor's office with faxes and phone calls and staged a small afternoon protest with about a dozen dogs at the state Capitol.

The governor said that the plan to repeal the law prohibiting the destruction of animals for at least six days was a "mistake'' made when he hastily put together his budget after taking office last year.

Schwarzeneggar, you pussy. If all the steroids didn't shrivel up your balls, it's apparent that the pressures of ruling amid the whims and caprices of powerful fringe interests has. If Mel Gibson was governor, he wouldn't have taken this shit. He would have marched right out to the capitol steps, closed his eyes and made that little Catholic cross thingy across his chest, then bit the head off an animal shelter iguana and spit it in the face of some PETA picketer. Mad Mel in 2008!

What this all means, of course, is that we're just one step closer to another regressive fee hike or cut in social services to the poor.

Gov. Arnold 6
Tomohiro 5

Pet Lovers Irate About Governor's Idea for Strays

As a favor to the state's cash-poor counties and cities, Schwarzenegger has asked the state Legislature to reverse the 1998 law, which makes adoption of wayward pets the first priority of shelters instead of quickly putting them to death. The law is dubbed the Hayden Act, after former Santa Monica state senator and activist Tom Hayden.

Give the gov. credit for balls here. Though not huge balls -- the rule change would not apply to cats and dogs. Again, I'm actually with him on this issue. In large part because it exposes a hidden cost in sparing taxes on the wealthy. You can't have it all: freshly paved streets, world class universities, free vehicle registration, a docile proletariat, clean beaches and homeless gerbil shelters. Besides, there's a larger civic principle at issue here. I think the state should randomly seize loved family pets and put them to sleep, kind of like the Aztecs used to do when they ripped the hearts out of live virgins. Just to remind these punks who's at the top of the food chain and who's really in charge.

Gov. Arnold 6
Tomohiro 4



Mr. Governor, you have disgraced this office.

A Crowning at the Capital Creates a Stir

As a shining symbol of democracy, the United States capital is not ordinarily a place where coronations occur. So news that the Rev. Sun Myung Moon, the eccentric and exceedingly wealthy Korean-born businessman, donned a crown in a Senate office building and declared himself the Messiah while members of Congress watched is causing a bit of a stir.

Now that I know the Washington Times is owned by the crowned Messiah, I guess I'll start reading it more seriously. (Though, curiously, this important beltway event seems to have slipped by its notice. Instead: "Clinton's book fails to appeal to heartland".)

It doesn't give me names or credit card numbers, but I just discovered an interesting little feature to my free hit counter for this page -- it lists the search terms for referring search engines. A list of some of the searches that have led unwitting visitors to my door this month:

MSN : NPR equivalency humanist

MSN : shit your pan

MSN Italy : TOMOHIRO LONDON

MSN : ant grasshopper moral story democrat response

Yahoo : women being eaten

Yahoo : hollywood shit list

Yahoo : www.dellsupport customer service.com

Yahoo : this guy paid me to eat my shit

Yahoo : reinstall+WME+dell

Yahoo : download lexmark x73 printer driver

Feedster : 100 MB

Yahoo : +"Ameritrade promotion"

Yahoo : beyonce knowles nipple shot at nba all star game

Yahoo UK : buddha finger film

Yahoo : women taking shit sex

Yahoo : troubleshoot dell axim 30

Yahoo Canada : oui magazine arnold shwarzenegger

Yahoo : eating her shit

Yahoo : 'post-apocalyptic pregnant'

MSN : shit fucking action gallery

Yahoo : China flies Buddha's finger to HK

MSN : download louden wainwright III

MSN : gatlinberg horse back riding

AltaVista : http://www.altavista.com/web/results?q=samosas+texas&kgs=1&kls=0&stq=40

Yahoo : shootout at the ok carroll movie

Yahoo Japan : free sample video menth

Vivisimo : ???

"gatlinberg horse back riding"? There are some sick fucks out there.

Proof that Google is a superior search engine: it doesn't cough up hairballs like this blog.

Child Prodigy Poet Dies of Muscular Dystrophy

Mattie Stepanek, 13-year-old poet and advocate for muscular dystrophy patients, died in Washington on Tuesday of a rare form of the disease, a hospital statement said.

Stepanek, of Rockville, Maryland, began writing poetry at the age of three and became a national celebrity in 2001 after publication of "Heartsongs," a volume of inspirational poems.

It was the first of five books of poetry he had published and the first to be listed on The New York Times best-seller list.

Another young poetic spirit extinguished too soon. Will he be the Thomas Chatterton of the Oprah Age, the Rupert Brooke of rare neuromuscular disorders? Only time and panel discussions at future academic conferences will tell.

Here's an interesting idea:

NY Promoter Wants Springsteen to Upstage Bush

An online petition at www.draftbruce.com has been signed by about 50,000 people in 10 days since it was launched, Rasiej said, adding he had also reached out to acts such as REM, The Dave Matthews Band, Bob Dylan and Carlos Santana.

Sign the petition here: draftbruce.com

Brownie points for the lean, clean, mean web page design. I didn't sign the petition, but I have coerced some of those weaker than me into doing so. The promoter claims he has Giants stadium on hold. If he can't get Bruce & Co., he might consider Perry Farrell & Co.:

Lollapalooza Canceled Due to Poor Sales

Perhaps the acts were too good: Morrissey, Sonic Youth, The Flaming Lips, the Pixies, Wilco, the Polyphonic Spree and P.J. Harvey. Or (same thing) too old. If they wanted to reel in the summer festival crowd, they probably should have stuck to The Donnas, Incubus and Queens of the Stone Age. And maybe added Velvet Revolver.

Finally, this news day just keeps getting better:

Papers: Ryan Pressured Wife for Public Sex

The former wife of Republican Senate candidate Jack Ryan claimed in divorce documents released Monday that he pressured her to perform sex acts in clubs while others watched.

Jeri Lynn Ryan, an actress best known for roles on TV's "Boston Public" and "Star Trek: Voyager," said in the documents that she angered Ryan by refusing.

She's angered me by refusing, too. Might have saved the marriage.

Wait, Jack Ryan? Isn't that the hero of 24 -- or a Tom Clancy novel? Though this sounds more like something out of Michel Houellebecq. Maybe his campaign taking a page out of the Schwarzeneggar campaign and this is all a ploy intended to energize his fledgling campaign and bolster his Republican credentials.

Hey, I think I found my first disciple. (Or apostle?)

bad ass mulvaney @ 7:56AM | 2004-06-19 | permalink
they have said i missed payments , and are hounding me. sent them fucking bankstatements, thats shows they are wrong and they still disagree, fuck these people, trying to stop them from taking out of checking account of this day, they harress me on saturdays, but customer service shut down on sat. they need to get there shit together, signed pissed of mulvaney

Or did I post this myself in a sleepless, alcoholic rage?

First day of summer in San Diego: drizzle. Over a week without sun. I think I'm getting rickets. It was even sunnier in England today. There are druids skulking about Stonehenge with darker tans than me.

The New Republic is still around? I figured they'd fold after I let my subscription expire. Well, apparently, the old rag is still alive and kicking, and now its editors are rethinking their endorsement of the war on Iraq. An apology of sorts in next week's issue:

Should we have known that the key assumption underlying our strategic rationale for war would prove false?... In October 2002, the National Intelligence Estimate, the combined assessment of America's various intelligence agencies, stated that "all intelligence experts agree that Iraq is seeking nuclear weapons." We know now that some experts didn't agree, but few outside the administration thought so at the time. Indeed, even most opponents of the war assumed Iraq was trying to build a bomb. We feel regret--but no shame.

Come on -- everyone's trying to build a bomb. Hell, I'd be building a bomb, if I had the extra spent nuclear fuel rods. Your endorsement was regretful. Your continuing prevarications are shameful. And your aggressive support of Israeli's hardline tactics smells like shit.

Gov. Arnold 6
Tomohiro 3

Score another one for the Gov'ner. He's squeezing the Indian tribes for some of that filthy gaming lucre. I've come around to his side on this issue. It's a regressive tax. I mean what kind of imbecile plays slots. Learn a card game for Christ's sake. Or legalize pot and prostitution and give these old coots some kind of real mental and physical stimulation. But if the slow and infirm insist on throwing away their disability or social security checks on garishly decorated random-number generators, the state ought to recoup some of the loss. We're just going to dole it back out at the beginning of next month.

But in the larger scheme of things, another point to the Governor. A recap of the scoring:

8/27/03 1977 Oui interview surfaces exposing Candidate Schwarzeneggar Tomohiroic agenda: hash, group sex, and feeling the burn (Tomo 1, Gov 0)
10/2/03 Grope-Gate (Tomo 2, Gov 0)
10/8/03 Davis recalled, Schwarzeneggar elected. (Gov 2, Tomo 2)
5/11/04 UC/CSU Compact raises state college fees but stabilizes funding (Gov 3, Tomo 2 -- but this may end up being a point - perhaps several - for my side)
5/19/04 Gov withdraws nomination of sleazy backer Edward Heidig to Office of Administrative Law (often described as an obscure but powerful state agency.) (Gov 3, Tomo 3)
5/22/04 State credit-rating upgraded (Gov 4, Tomo 3)
5/26/04 Gov replaces 3 Democratic Coastal Commission board members with Republicans supporters, but appointees receive positive remarks from Sierra Club (Gov 5, Tomo 3)
6/17/04 Governor gets state cut on hot slot action (Gov 6, Tomo 3)

So the Gov's out in front, but we're still in the first quarter. (Is Arnold governor for the next 6 years? Or just through the end of Davis's elected term? Which I guess would be very close to 6 years.)

Let's see how he handles prescription drug pressure, energy blackouts, sticker-shocked UC parents, and, of course, the big one.

Apparently, my name should be Takumi Inoue. Or Inoue Takumi. Same family name it turns out as one of the world's most beloved Japanese AV idols:

Chihiro Inoue

Cool. Now, I've got an in if I ever run into her in a Tokyo jazz bar.

Your japanese name is Inoue (upon a well) Takumi (open sea).
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

The mega-storage free email wars have begun. Yahoo upped their free storage to 100 MB today. Coincidentally, I got 8 new invites to distribute for gmail. Capitalism at its finest.

Well, that's the end of the gmail grey market. I've got more invitations than I know what to do with. Surprisingly, I was still able to get bunbury@gmail.com. I think my grandma even has a gmail account now, and she doesn't even have a computer. If for some strange reason you still need one, email me: tidokoro.

(This should be a good test of the spam filter.)

They retired Paul's cape on Letterman last night. It was only last week that I had stayed up late enough to realize that this was an ongoing bit. It had been going on for two years! Ted Koppel, Jack Black, George Pataki -- even Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. They'd all held the cape for Paul. And now it's all just an unremembered digression, like Chris Elliot.

Goddamn, The Polyphonic Spree are fucking touched. I wouldn't be surprised if they all got in line to salute Reagan's casket. The government needs to take down the leader on trumped-up tax evasion charges before this all gets out of hand in Japan. Anyway, I reunited the three lost sheep with their comrades-in-robes. Now the jubilee anthem won't stop.

The promotion for their new album: Her Satanic Majesty's Lonely Hearts Club Doomsday Sect

In case Edmund Morris's accent has impaired your judgement, Paul Krugman reminds us how quickly we forget, even when we don't yet have Alzheimer's Disease:

Over the course of this week we'll be hearing a lot about Ronald Reagan, much of it false. A number of news sources have already proclaimed Mr. Reagan the most popular president of modern times. In fact, though Mr. Reagan was very popular in 1984 and 1985, he spent the latter part of his presidency under the shadow of the Iran-Contra scandal. Bill Clinton had a slightly higher average Gallup approval rating, and a much higher rating during his last two years in office.

We're also sure to hear that Mr. Reagan presided over an unmatched economic boom. Again, not true: the economy grew slightly faster under President Clinton, and, according to Congressional Budget Office estimates, the after-tax income of a typical family, adjusted for inflation, rose more than twice as much from 1992 to 2000 as it did from 1980 to 1988.

Until I can get a free Fetal Stem Cell Boost with my Jamba Juice Orange Dream Machine, I can't but consider Reagan's legacy incomplete.

Winning the war on terror, one photo at a time.

Reminds me of my next album title: "Something This Wrong Couldn't Be Right"

The Complete Collection

REAGAN DEAD!

Probably best to get this out of the way now, before we get too close to the election. Can't wait for the canonization at the GOP convention. Then maybe CBS can finally run its mini-series.

The funny things is: 20 years ago, he would have been at the top of the Shit List. Today, I'd probably root for him -- in a Republican primary, anyway.