The Sh*t L*st

Washington's New Year War Cry: Party On!
As the soldiers in Iraq soldier on, we party on.
Washington's next celebration, a $40 million inauguration,
will be most entertaining.

Are We Stingy? Yes
The $35 million that the United States plans to spend on
disaster relief for the tsunamis in Asia is a miserly drop
in the bucket.

If we don't outspend our aid relief for victims of the tsunamis on the presidential inauguration, the tsunamis win.

So now everyone in my office is calling that number from my last post and trying to get Ken Hughes on the line.

I figure this all had to be part of the scammers' original plan.

I just got a very important recorded call from Ken Hughes ordering me, in both English and Spanish, to call him back immediately at 888-249-4134. Looked up what he's up to and found this. I was going to call back the number just to fuck with them, but I've got work to do. So I just prayed to Strawberry Jesus to send all those motherfuckers to Strawberry Hell.

(Disclaimer: there are no strawberries in Strawberry Hell.)

A friend came across the New Yorker cartoon contest yesterday and has been sending me captions ever since. This one was inspired (i.e. stolen) from one she sent me:


He's here on a Q-1 visa.

Christians want to put Christ back in Christmas? They should read their fucking history books -- well, not their history books, but some legitimate history books. Or just tune into the History Channel. Let's put the drunken Roman orgy back in Christmas.

And don't forget to give a little credit to Paul. Without him, Christians today would just be another group of Palestineans throwing stones at Israeli soldiers.

Came across an article in a PC Magazine lying around the office here recommending this. Downloaded it -- even paid the extra $10 for the phone support -- and a week later still haven't got it to work. Since I use Firefox and Adaware already, the only thing it really offered me was the anonymous browsing -- which I need for the highly classified, top secret life that I lead online. But I can't even use most the sites that I visit with the proxy settings active.

Phone support is only available during times when I'm at work -- so that's been a bust. And their email support has been slow, half-assed, and unsuccessful. The latest example:



Note: when I tried to run the connection-tuner they had me download, I got an error message saying it was not a Win32 application. So far it's been an agonizing, futile fishing expedition.

I haven't given up yet -- PC Mag seemed to have no trouble with it. But I'm about to call my credit card company and stop payment if I can't get a refund for this crap.

Somebody stole my Strawberry Jesus property. I don't own Jesus... yet. But I do own Strawberry Jesus. Do you hear me you talentless motherfuckers? I own that fucking nigga. I OWN STRAWBERRY JESUS!

My lawyers will be in touch.

I'm sorry, Tomohiro is out sick today. Can Squidzilla or I help you?

If I'm an insurgent or terrorist and I hear President Bush is giving a press conference, I must be thinking, we've got this motherfucker right where we want him. Because we know he sure the hell doesn't want to be there.

Tell it to the Squid cuz the Chef ain't listenin'.

That's funny because he just ordered a you roll.

This squid does not support our troops, so we will cut him up and eat him.

CHEAPSKATE, SCATTER-BRAINED, NIPPLE-SCARRED, CARPET-MUNCHING, BUSH-VOTING, PETTY-ASS, WHITE TRASH BARBERSHOP INGRATE!... Just needed to get that off my chest. Can I get you another spicy tuna roll?

He not octopus, you dumb ignorant American asshole! He squid! And he not on menu! I tell you what -- you bring your best friend in here and I cut off his testicles and feed it to you. How you like that? You butter-reeking, noodle-chewing, whale-saving turtle-fucker.

Yeah, I've got a recommendation: how about a bitch-slapped-by-a-giant-squid roll?

Still beats working for that asshole Ariel Foxman.

In France, he is known as Le Squidzilla.

I've tried Match.com. I've tried eHarmony. But with Squidzilla here, it was just good old-fashioned fate.

One more tuna joke and Squidzilla here suctions your fucking balls off.

It's a good thing there aren't any Pantera cover bands playing in the area tonight, because the way this day's been going, I'm ready to blow away some headbangers.

(Is there such thing as a Pantera cover band?)

Squidzilla big fan of Harry Shapiro. Courtesy, prease.

Is Squidzilla gonna have to choke a bitch?

This is my nigga, Squidzilla. He chops it old school.

This shit is evil. Absolutely fucking evil! Like those evil gerbils from that Star Trek episode -- except not as cute. See this kid here:



She's now taking Special Ed classes in junior high school.

And those motherfuckers who manufacture this shit think they're making a difference by dying it green for the holidays? Fuck you. You're on the Shit List.

Anyway, the least you can do is recycle the shit. Here's some info:

The Plastic Loose Fill Council

One year ago today:



I never caught that motherfucker.

Absolutely beat down in poker Saturday night. Lost $40 -- that'd be like $400 if I had kids to feed0.

Good news -- don't have to worry about anyone wiping their balls with my toothbrush while they used my bathroom because I was taking all their money.

Dickhead had to go and break the rule. And on an otherwise quite Wednesday afternoon.

Not only ignored the No Solicitors rule but followed up and then kept pressing it when I made it clear we weren't interested in his services and -- to top it off -- gave me a sarcastic thank you at the end. A sarcastic thank you! And you call yourself a District Sales Manager.

So I'm throwing him to the internet sharks:

Jeff Lambert
District Sales Manager
1407 N. Batavia Street, Suite 104
Orange, CA 92867
office 714.997.0623 x26
cell 714.904.7567
fax 714.844.4840
email_sales@bigfishpayroll.com
www.bigfishpayroll.com

Feel free to give him a ring or drop him a fax or send him a holiday card informing him what an insulting prick he is.

Happy phishing!

On the one hand, I have big ambitions for next year. On the other hand, I think I'd be mildly amused by armageddon.