Saturday, May 28, 2005
"I was a regular on Sesame Street for 10 years, but recently I've
been getting a lot of work as an interest rate."
Thursday, May 26, 2005
"Mom didn't kick the turpentine habit 'til the third trimester."
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
"Sarbanes-Oxley don't surf."
Forgot to submit this one before the deadline last week. After seeing the tepid offerings that beat out my entry the week before, I don't think it really matters anyway.
Monday, May 23, 2005
This I believe: that it is intellectually easier to credit a divine intelligence than to submit dumbly to felicitous congeries about nature. As a child, I was struck by the short story. It told of a man at a bar who boasted of his rootlessness, derisively dismissing the jingoistic patrons to his left and to his right. But later in the evening, one man speaks an animadversion on a little principality in the Balkans and is met with the clenched fist of the man without a country, who would not endure this insult to the place where he was born.
Buckley sounds a lot like my grandmother -- and looks not a little like her, too.
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Are you sure there's no MSG in these?
Mouth closed, douchebag. You're getting crumbs all over Brooklyn.
Friday, May 13, 2005
«Ack!» «Ack!» I think I've got a planning commissioner stuck in the back of my throat.
There's a burst of human dignity in every bite!
Thursday, May 12, 2005
The New Yorker is now running weekly cartoon contests. I missed the first couple, but I'm all over this week's. I (or someone I enter for) will win this thing before the year is out!
Mmmm, mmmm! Terror alert level: delicious!
Mmmm, mmmm! Terror alert level: delicious!
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Funny and poignant.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Jabb:..What do you want to talk about?
You:...shoes and ships and sealing wax, cabbages and kings
Jabb:...Yes, bage is a city in Brazil. Anything worth seeing there?
You:...You idiot, I said cabbages. Don't you know Lewis Carroll?
Jabb:...No. You tell me
You:...He's a 20th century prize fighter. He once fellated Jack Dempsey in the 13th round.
Jabb:...You bet
You:...You like that, huh?
Jabb:...That's poor English! Ah, the sound of an owl - I guess it's getting late, hmm?
You:...I weep for artificial humanity. Good night.
Jabb:...Good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite
You:...shoes and ships and sealing wax, cabbages and kings
Jabb:...Yes, bage is a city in Brazil. Anything worth seeing there?
You:...You idiot, I said cabbages. Don't you know Lewis Carroll?
Jabb:...No. You tell me
You:...He's a 20th century prize fighter. He once fellated Jack Dempsey in the 13th round.
Jabb:...You bet
You:...You like that, huh?
Jabb:...That's poor English! Ah, the sound of an owl - I guess it's getting late, hmm?
You:...I weep for artificial humanity. Good night.
Jabb:...Good night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite
And the cretin doesn't even talk to Firefox.
An Oasis in My Basement
I've chained Noel Gallagher up in my basement with my chimp, Mr. Mopes, and a guitar. Some of the early fruits of their collaboration:
Bold nonstop
Peace paper
Slack heap no pen a boor a slurp
With boiled nadir
Peace paper
Slack heap no pen a boor a slurp
With boiled nadir
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
From the Typewriter of a Monkey in My Basement
No fire endowed lapse of freeze
For fruit romance cafe wag the cheese
For fruit romance cafe wag the cheese
Sometimes monkeys can type the sweetest things.
