The Sh*t L*st

Goddammit. You want to get in shape? Don't wait til the New Year to make your resolution! If you're serious about it, make it in October, when you'll be able to actually find a free machine at the gym to work your fat ass on.

My New Year's resolutions?

Watch more Fox News.
Have a hallucination.
Bang someone from the office.
Gain 7 lbs.