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Monday, March 21, 2005
Mr. President, Save This Bag of Baby Carrots
I guess we found out who the real tree huggers are.

If the people praying for Terri Schiavo were really sympathetic, they'd realize this is an utterly moot point. As far as she herself is concerned, none of it matters -- at least any more than a hearing over whether or not to cut down a tree matters to the tree. (It matters to the people, on either side, who think the cutting down or not cutting down of the tree contributes to their quality of life.) But she can't be concerned. It's physically impossible for her to be. In the dim twilight of her sentience, none of it is even happening.

If pro-lifers were able to somehow miraculously bring Schiavo back, the first thing she'd probably do is kill herself. Remember, this is a woman who was so obsessed with her body image, that she effectively starved her brain to death. It's tragic. But it's impossible to undo the damage. There's no higher brain function. And she's beyond 21st-century rehabilitation. I confess I don't know all the details. But if there is anyone who does, it's the Federal judges who have reviewed this case.

You want to save her life, you Republican hypocrites? Subpoena her to testify before congress. Nominate her to a federal judgeship. Or better yet, have her run for president.